Relationship Psychology and Science
What is the Science of Love?
Love is a magical thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years! That is insane to me. Although I am extremely blessed to be in the relationship I am in now, I have definitely been through the wringer with past relationships. I took a course last semester about relationship psychology and learned A LOT. I put together some of the most important things I learned that semester in this post today! Hopefully, you'll learn something too!
What is Love?
Triangular Theory of Love – Sternberg 1988
Love is a mixture of these 3 components:
1. Intimacy: involves exclusivity, the feeling of warmth, caring about each other, knowing each other well, spending quality time together
2. Commitment: creating a bond, making the choice to be loyal, involves setting boundaries, mental work3. Passion: involves sexual energy, heat, physical attraction, usually very high in the beginning
If you JUST have intimacy that’s just liking someone as a friend NOT love
1. Passion + Commitment = Fatuous love – staying only for physical benefits
2. Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love – new relationship (talking stage)
3. Commitment + Intimacy = Companion Love – Old happy grandparents love (best friends)
4. Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = Consummate Love (easy to achieve short term)
Passion most likely to fall over time
*** Ideal partner: Should be your best friend that you are attracted to ***
Passionate vs Companionate
Importance of a preposition
I love you vs I’m IN love with you - loving someone is not the same as being in love
Passionate Love
Arousal: sexual energy, fluttery feeling, butterflies
Preoccupation: hyper-focused on your partner, clingy, thinking about them all the time
Idealization: think they are 100% perfect, love is blind - Once you are no longer in love with them you see more flaws
Physiological Response to Companionate Love – love is a drug (Dopamine)
We focus too much on passion!
People who have more companionate love have more sex because they LIKE spending quality time togetherBut I’m in Love...
Love does NOT conquer all
Love is only one small piece of the puzzle
Do they act like or treat you like they love you?
Who is Really the Best Judge of Your Relationship?
Self: we think we know best (least accurate)
Roommate: a little less confident (most accurate) - they know you right now
Parents: are least confident because they may know your previous trauma but don’t know what's going on right now
**Roommates and parents are objective and only care about your well-being so they have more accurate predictions if someone is good for you!!! They don't consider love or the other person's feelings.** - trust them over yourself
Flawed Thinking: Predicting the Future
When things are good, we assume they will continue to be good
We are terrible at predicting the future
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior
Once a cheater always a cheater
Limits of Self-Knowledge
Do people know themselves?
Researchers gave participants the option to sit and think about themselves or shock themselves – 42% of people chose to shock themselves
Overconfidence
Are you an above-average communicator?
We all like to think we are above average at many things even though we are not
We don’t like to admit we are bad at things
Dunning-Kruger Effect
Easier to be more confident when you know less
A criminal McArther Wheeler believed lemon juice would make him invisible to cameras so he robbed two banks and got caught
Solution: figure out what you don’t know
Egocentric perspective – we assume that how we think is how everyone thinks
We assume how our parents did things was how all parents did them - not true
What is an Intimate Relationship?
Includes emotional and physical components
Knowledge
They know personal info
Trauma
Past relationships
Raw emotions
Caring
Look out for them
Support them
Make sacrifices for them
Interdependence
You have to consider your partner's feelings/wants/needs
Positively or negatively influencing your personality
Mutuality
Me vs we mindset
You are an overlap of your partner
Trust
You have to believe they are not doing anything to hurt you
Commitment
The belief that it will last
Future plans
Physical (not one of the top 5 important things)
Distinguishes it from best friend material
We often prioritize this the most
The Influence of Culture
Culture makes a difference
- Religious influences
- Social influences
- TV, Movies, Hollywood, Fashion
Things change over time:
- Dating apps, social media platforms, lot more options for potential partners)
- Women's roles and expectations of men are changing
- People are waiting longer for marriage
Premarital Cohabitation
Is it good or bad?
Good
Shows responsibility or lack of
Involves compromise
Shows commitment
Bad
You learn things you don’t like about them
It is easier to leave than to marriage so it is less commitment
Answer? - It depends on WHY you are doing it
⌂ The Case Against Cohabitation ⌂
Common Reasons:
The “Test Drive” - means you already have doubts going into it
If you’re worried about little things, it's probably already shaky (NOT A GOOD REASON)
The “Sliding Hypothesis”
We're already this far might as well keep going through milestones
People assume marriage will make them happier
People assume having kids will fix their relationships (NOT A GOOD REASON)
The “All Part of the Plan”
You are very sure you want to be with them forever
You see this as permanent
You feel secure in the relationship
(THE ONLY GOOD REASON)
Attracting the Wrong Partner
- If you believe sexist things, you will attract people with the same beliefs and have more manipulative strategies
- We accept the love we think we deserve
- The Tyranny of Low Expectation: guys are universally bad partners
- If women think all men are the same, they may just stay in an okay relationship and don’t worry about picking the wrong one
What is Self-Disclosure and Social Penetration Theory
Self-Disclosure:
If you want to be close to someone you must share things
If someone isn't willing to share it may mean they don’t see the relationship as a long-term thing
Social Penetration Theory: a predictable way that self-disclosure occurs in a relationships
Usually, the progression starts with sharing the basics: Name, location, year, major, family background, etc. Deeper topics don’t come up at first. It starts superficial and then leads to more personal information.
If the basic conversation is rewarding, you increase the Depth of information
If the initial conversation is off, you might feel it's not worth it and stay superficial
It may also increase Breadth – expand to a variety of topics but still superficial
Reciprocity: This involves give and take (more important in the beginning). When someone shares something about themselves, you usually share something back. This is very strict in first impressions – if someone isn't matching it, it can be awkward
Responsiveness: (more important over time) If someone shares something really big, you may not want to share something small because it can minimize their feelings. “Read the room” and decide if you should just listen instead of verbally responding?
Limits of Social Penetration Theory
You should not tell your partner everything that happens to you every second of the day
Taboo topics
We often avoid talking abot the important things:
The “what are we convo?” - it is a red flag if this topic is avoided
Previous partners/experiences/ traumas
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